When I think about my greatest fears, or the things that stress me out to even imagine, fire comes to mind.
Thankfully, I have not experienced a house fire. This past semester, a student of mine at the university lost her home to a fire—and just her email notifying me about this, so I would understand her brief absence and her need for an extension—was enough to set me on edge.
While I love the feeling of being surrounded by candles, I worry about them being lit if I am getting tired. I love fireplaces and food of any kind fired on a hot grill but prefer to not be the one involved in getting the fires going. In fact, as ridiculous as it is for a 51-year old woman to admit, I am afraid of lighting matches. When I light candles, I use one of those super long lighters that makes me feel more in control. It sounds irrational since I have no memory of something bad happening when I was little that would have given way to this fear. I do know that I hated, and
was very afraid of, seeing my parents smoking when I was little and didn’t like when they reached for a Bic lighter to start up again. The only vivid and frightening memory I have of matches is when I worked as a counselor for abusive men and a client admitted that he had thrown lit matches at his wife who was holding their baby.
Knowing all this, I seem like I would be the last person on earth suitable for writing a piece for firefighters about stress reduction.
Or, perhaps—hopefully— I am the right person.
I have a visceral intuitive feeling about the stress and intensity of the job and a sense of awe and reverence for the weighty responsibility of putting out fires, preventing fires, and creating safe spaces.
For the past 26 years of teaching and writing, I have worked hard to light metaphorical fires in myself and others and to cultivate space. My job is about lighting a fire under students, inspiring their creativity and being part of helping them build or rebuild a structure of hope for their lives. And I am often trying to do the same for my own life. All of the stacking and piling on of tasks and responsibilities makes it so that I have also spent about half of those 26 years trying very hard to undo habits that weren’t serving me well and trying to nurture ones that would provide greater spaciousness.
The victories I have experienced with reducing stress in my own life have been hard won and have proven to be freeing which is why I am compelled to share them here. Some years back, I discovered a poem by Judy Brown interestingly titled “Fire” that captures the need for pause, stillness, quiet, solitude, boundaries and space. I find myself returning to it again and again for its wisdom for managing and reducing stress and creating and holding space. Brown writes:
What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.
When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.
We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
Absolutely key to stress reduction is the ability to create and hold space. This is true for all of us and certainly for firefighters. So how might one do this? What are some concrete practices and exercises that build the emotional muscles for strengthening spaciousness?
- Years ago, I was in a women’s group grounded in meditation and creativity, and the facilitator shared a cartoon from The New Yorker featuring a person on the phone setting a date with someone else; the cartoon read: “How about never? Does never work for you?” I often think about that cartoon and especially when I am on the fence about if I should say yes or no to something. Saying no can be very empowering for reducing stress and taming one’s self expectations, in turn giving ourselves permission for saying yes to what truly speaks to our hearts.
- The spiritual teacher and clinical psychologist, Ram Dass, was known for saying, “Be here now.” This seemingly simple advice is amazingly challenging in the era we live in and yet it’s vital to our well-being and to any depth we might find and enjoy, alone and in our relationships. This might mean unplugging and not being tethered to devices, just sitting and being alone or with others.
- When we are truly here now, in a mindfully present way, we can be better in touch with what truly sustains us and fuels our energy and creativity. Honor the power of sacred solitude and silence. Even if we take time inward for ten minutes, it will be replenishing and restorative. Yes, everyone has even just ten minutes. Constantly being tethered to devices can be draining and can pull us away from our inner strength and wisdom. Get into nature, take a walk, and connect to the world beyond yourself and your work, and relish in wonder and hope. We all need to do that more. It is a way to be kinder to ourselves.
- At a yoga class I attended, the teacher instructed us to stretch our arms out farther than we normally would and said, “Feel the space around you and inside of you.” I often repeat that to myself. On the mat, I have come to better understand that stretching and pushing myself farther than I believed was possible is crucial to my growth, and at the same time, rest is absolutely essential for assimilating the goodness of all the hard work. The space, the stretch, the push, the rest —we need all of that.
- I try to remind myself that of all the things I can do, I can do whatever is possible to try to make a joyful life. It won’t be perfect but it can be infused with joy. We can create rituals of kindness for ourselves that are not reliant on others or on substances like food, alcohol, etc.
- Seek out support. The gender imbalance among firefighters is evident, and men often have difficulty admitting they need connections, support, and counseling. Norms around masculinity and the socialization of boys and men makes it so that boys and men are not given as much acceptance for exhibiting a full range of emotions beyond sucking it up or being angry. However, the full range of emotions is part of what it means to be fully human, and it becomes imperative for men to find spaces and relationships where communication and expression are possible, meaningful, and nurtured. Bottling things up and not wanting to talk about hard stuff creates a toll on the physical body and on mental health. Trauma lives in the body on a cellular level and there is indeed an impact of witnessing so much trauma as a firefighter.
- If you have thoughts of trying to end your own life or trying to hurt someone else you care about, seek therapy and intervention. There are numerous organizations all across the country with comprehensive websites and hotlines staffed by tireless advocates ready to help and provide resources.
- Try this yoga pose that is super easy and both energizing and relaxing. Sit on the floor and scoot up as close to the wall as possible to be able to swing your legs up the wall; this does not involve a headstand or handstand. It works both if you are tired to give you a boost of energy, and it also works if you are anxious and restless to slow the mind down.
- Your experience tells you that water douses fire. Visualize water. Let those images wash away stress and worry.
- Set an intention and revisit it. Put one hand over your heart and then place your other hand over that hand. Try to breathe in deeply, inhaling your intention and hope. You might also try using this technique, saying “I am ___________” and filling in the blank with a word that is perhaps only aspirational but once you keep installing it into your very being, you might find yourself identifying with it more. Examples might include, “I am calm” or “I am enough.”
Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of South Carolina Beaufort and the author of Welcome to Wherever We Are: A Memoir of Family, Caregiving, and Redemption https://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Wherever-Are-Caregiving-Redemption/dp/1978808925